The sun got lost
It’s no secret to those that know me that I’m a sun-a-holic. I need sunshine in my life to function and have self-diagnosed myself with SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. If the sun’s shining, I bounce out of bed in the morning full of all that I can achieve that day. In contrast, on dark, miserable days, I would happily stay in bed or snuggled on the sofa under a blanket all day. I dread October and November as the long winter lies ahead, no end in sight for months and months.
Since having children, I’ve found things to look forward to that have helped me through this difficult period, with the pre-Christmas preparations and excitement taking up the end of November and all of December. Even snow takes on a fun edge now that I no longer have to struggle to commute to work in it. And then, by March, we have it all ahead, birthdays and sunshine lie within sight and there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is getting brighter.
So this year I am really struggling. I got through the winter ok, and even had fun in the snow with the girls, enjoying watching Bear’s reaction to the white stuff. Yet here we are in mid-June and I can feel the all too familiar despondency starting to kick in. I have accepted that we are not getting a summer this year (well not the beach going type I’m used to) and right now, I don’t know if I can cope with this reality. I don’t want to have to wear tights to work every day, or a jacket at all times. I need some time outside without feeling cold if I’m wearing anything less than three layers. I need to not be explaining to my four year old how the sun seems to have gotten confused and forgotten to come out this year!
All my plans for the garden this year have fallen by the wayside as it’s been too wet, too windy, too cold to get out and get the garden cleared and ready for planting. Even if I’d had the motivation, would anything have made it? When the guidelines suggest planting in April to May, they aren’t expecting temperatures to be struggling to make it into double figures. Most plants need adequate sunlight to prosper, but this year I may as well have planted things in the shade, we’ve had so little of the warm stuff!
As for me, well my mood is declining daily. I simply cannot be bothered to do things, or sometimes even speak. Everything becomes so much more effort when SAD kicks in. What is there to look forward to? This despondency is symptomatic of the disorder, the “can’t be bothered” feeling. I’m eating far more than I should be at this time of year and not getting anything like the exercise required to offset it. I’m easily angered and lose my temper far too easily, I haven’t got the energy to invest in making things better, or happen in the first place.
This was the year when I was going to make things happen. To begin with, I was doing quite well and felt quite proud of my achievements, but now I just want to give up. Everything is too much effort and even if I do try, I don’t do a good job as I just really don’t care! Is it too much to ask for just a little bit of a reprise from this never-ending springtime? Just a week or so of reliably warm temperatures, no wind, no rain. Where we can get the paddling pool out and leave it out, have barbecues and picnics, eat ice cream in the afternoon and sit out late into the evening drinking beer. Head down to the beach to cool down or seek out a shady woods to escape the midday heat. You know, those bits of summer that we look forward to all year!
Come on summer, give me just a glimpse of hope, my girls are at the perfect age for getting out and enjoying everything you have to offer and I was so looking forward to doing so. Next year will be too late: Bunny will be at school all day and no doubt, I’ll be working full time. You have one month to get your act together, otherwise I’m emigrating!