4W5D – Is it all over?
Today my temp has gone down by half a degree. This could mean a miscarriage is imminent. Wifey wanted me to stay at home, but I don’t see the point – it isn’t going to make any difference and I will just spend it torturing myself. At least at work there are some distractions.
But I am really worried – it could mean nothing – there doesn’t seem to be much conclusive evidence to say for sure what it means, but most points to it being an early indicator. But there’s no bleeding so far and no unusual pain. My HPT was still really strong this morning (stronger than yesterday), I had diarrhoea again (third morning in a row – I’m guessing this is my morning sickness), my boobs are still super-sore and there are still a few weird twinges going on. So I haven’t given up hope yet.
I think wifey is more upset than me though – I think I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant, that I never expected it to last – this whole week has been a myriad of emotions, knicker-checking and HPT testing. Just to be sure. So to lose it now would be devastating, but not a massive surprise – like my first IUI was a practice-run, this could be my practice-run at pregnancy. Maybe I’m just more aware of the reality of how hard this was going to be. I don’t know. But it is so hard to comfort her when I don’t know what to say other than there’s nothing we can do. If nature has decided that it’s not viable, then we just have to accept it. As heartbreaking as that might be. But better now than much later when it will be a bigger deal. Or even more so than a baby that isn’t as healthy as it could be.
But this is all speculation of course until something actually happens. We just have to wait and see. Let’s just hope my mouth was open when I was sleeping, or that because I’d been awake for half an hour before taking my temperature, it was affected by that. Who knows? It’s not an exact science by any means.
And the other worry this week of course has been about who to tell and when. Wifey told her brother on Tuesday – he’s been really depressed recently, so we figured some good news and the prospect of a niece or nephew in cultivation might help him see a future.
I wanted to tell my parents, but my sister is with them at the moment, and her boyfriend is there too. I work with both of them, so I’m a bit nervous about him finding out in case he tells someone else at work. And I know my mum wouldn’t be able to contain her excitement once she knows to keep it a secret from my sister.
And I’d also like to tell my sister myself. There’s the other sister as well – she needs to be the last to know as I definitely cannot trust her not to tell anyone. She told all her friends that we were trying for a baby, even though I’d specifically asked her not to tell anyone. And I think this will just be too big a secret for her to keep. So I need to talk with my other sister first to see how she thinks we should manage it. I do not want a load of random people knowing something so personal yet. It’s bad enough they know we’re trying – like it’s any business of theirs anyway.
So, if everything is ok still on Sunday, I was going to send my mum an email with the subject “What I’d like for my birthday” and then attach a knitting pattern for some baby booties. She will get the email and call me straight away in masses of excitement, so it’s best to do it on a Sunday when I have lots of time to chat. Plus I’ll be 5 weeks by then too which will feel like more of a milestone.
I have booked time in my sister’s diary for us to go to lunch on Monday somewhere away from colleagues. I will tell her then and ask her advice on telling my other sister.
I so, so hope that I get to do all this and that it isn’t already too late.
If you’re reading this, please keep everything crossed for us. I just hope my body can continue nurturing my little pip.