Am I Good Enough?

I’m not the same as you and them. I’m me. I dance to my own tune and try not to notice if it’s a little off-key.

But I still want to fit in and be accepted. It’s a contradiction but that’s just how it works. I look at people around me and envy their lives. Envy their looks, their talents, how they put clothes together, how they always look great in photos, their freedom from the work machine, their friendships.

I don’t like me much. Maybe that’s why I try to distance myself from being a part of the crowd. Maybe that’s why I keep myself to myself a lot. I’m a loner that craves friends. The more time I spend alone, the more depressed I get.

As my depression takes a firmer grip, my eating spirals out of control and my weight goes up and up. And I look in the mirror and hate what I see even more. I struggle to find any clothes that fit and curl up in a ball and cry when I notice the fat deposits building up under my knees. I eat because I don’t like me and then like me less because the eating makes me fatter. An evil vicious circle.

At the start of December, I decided to start to face it head on. I would exercise more. Two or three times a week I would power walk (I’m not a runner!) for as long as I could fit in. It would address the lack of fresh air, natural daylight and movement my sedentary office job imposes on my life and hopefully the exercise would help release those happy pill-making endorphins in the natural way. And then, just maybe I would lose some of the weight. Start to like me a bit more and find my clothes start to fit again. And set me on the path out of this quagmire.

I started well and have had a good few sessions, but the Christmas indulgence has seen me add another half stone to this already lumpy, bumpy body.

Fat me

So now I need to get back on track and do this. And I’m going to share these photos of me as I look now in my unmade up and unhidden glory to motivate me into action. Public humiliation for private gain. Please don’t judge me. Give me ideas on how I can do this, but please don’t tell me I look fine as I am. I don’t see that. This is about what I see when I look in the mirror. And if I’ve pressed publish on this post then my heart will already be pounding.

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10 comments on “Am I Good Enough?
  1. Dawn says:

    This is about how you see yourself in the mirror. This is what you say. So no matter what you change externally, the only way you can change what you see in the mirror is by changing you internally. Finding a way to accept and be ok with who you are irrespective of how you look. I’m not saying that’s easy, but I am saying it’s possible.

  2. Tara says:

    Loving the positivity Sally. That’s usually what these things are; a question of mind over matter.
    *Gives you a gentle shove in the right direction*!

  3. So sorry to read this post and how unhappy you’re feeling. Genuinely, you do look fine, but I can also understand that if you’re not happy with it, that you need to do something about it. Exercise and health is all about how you feel inside, not just about weight, so there are so many good reasons for doing it. I run or walk every day – the fresh air is as important as the exercise.
    Even though I don’t feel unhappy like you, I understand your contradiction – I too am torn between wanting to be an individual, but also craving friends. I always feel like nobody wants to be friends with me – that I’m not fun enough or funny enough – or maybe I’m too funny and say the wrong things.
    Good luck to you on your journey. I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. x

  4. Flipping heck, I could have written that post word for word. I completely get how you feel! I still can’t work out if this blogging journey is cathartic or I’m just putting more pressure on myself in terms of acceptance. meh!
    I’m currently attempting to write a me against the world piece but I’m struggling – you’ve inspired me to just let it flow! 🙂
    You look fab but I hope your plans help you to feel fitter, happier and healthier

  5. Susan Mann says:

    Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I am here if you ever want to talk. You look gorgeous to me, but can understand. Good luck and you will get there x

  6. Louise says:

    Totally get how you are feeling. I definitely find exercise makes me happier – it’s just finding when to do it thats the issue. And although you don’t want to hear it, you look lovely. Hope things get better x

  7. Suzanne says:

    Only you know what makes you feel happ and I know that putting on just a few pounds makes me feel miserable, rightly or wrongly. Sounds as though you got really inspired before Christmas. Get back out there and remember your goal. Perhaps just half am hour of exercise every day? It’s about routine I think. Well done for being brave.

  8. HelpfulMum says:

    Oh chick, I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same when I pressed the publish button today. I am not in a good place at the moment. I know I will come back out of it, but it feels tough. Good luck with your battle.

  9. Kara says:

    I know just how you feel but Good Luck! Thinking Slimmer works for me :0)

  10. This is such a brave and honest post, and positive – you have a goal, you know what you have to do to reach it and you’re doing it. I think posting your progress and photos is a great motivator. I wish I could be half as honest about my negative side, but I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. Good luck – just keep persevering and don’t lose the faith, even if it’s a slow process and there are setbacks. You can do it!

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